


Which came first: the chicken or the egg?

by gwendee



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Age Swap, Alternate Universe, Amazing, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Middle School, No Angst, Role Reversal, Slice of Life, They're just middle school kids, in a school, nothing really happens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:21:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22145581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwendee/pseuds/gwendee
Summary: I bet you he’s in the janitor’s closet,” Irina whispers.“He was there yesterday, he wouldn’t hide in the same place twice in a row,” Tadaomi says.The door bursts open and a blond boy bounds in, all smiles and a sparkling new bandage on his knee. He lifts his leg high up and plants it on the teacher’s desk. “I got this from the staircase next to the science labs,” he proclaims.Shiota-sensei walks in after him, and sighs in exasperation. “Sit down, Koro,” he says.Or: I... may have made the adults kids and the kids adults?
Comments: 101
Kudos: 195





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what to say

**???**

“I bet you he’s in the janitor’s closet,” Irina whispers, nudging Tadaomi with the sharp end of her pen. Tadaomi scowls and bats it away.

“He was there yesterday, he wouldn’t hide in the same place twice in a row,” Tadaomi says. He tries to go back to his book, but a few more pokes and he’s tussling to get the pen off her. He manages to wrestle it from her grasp and gain a paragraph’s worth of plot before he’s getting assaulted with another pen.

The door bursts open before Tadaomi can consider the pros and cons of another squabble and a blond boy bounds in, all smiles and a sparkling new bandage on his knee. He lifts his leg high up and plants it on the teacher’s desk. “I got this from the staircase next to the science labs,” he proclaims.

Shiota-sensei walks in after him, and sighs in exasperation. “Sit down, Koro,” he says, and Koro gives him a large grin in lieu of an actual answer, but obediently hops to his seat at the back of class. Shiota-sensei’s lesson starts off, thankfully, without any more interruptions. They’re only 3 minutes late this time, which means either Koro is getting worse at picking hiding spots or Shiota-sensei is getting better at finding him. There’s only so many hiding spots in the school, though, and Koro has used up pretty much all the good ones.

“Where were you this time?” Irina says, turning around just as the bell sounds for the next class, unable to wait any longer for an answer.

“Janitor’s closet,” Koro shrugs. “I thought he wouldn’t look in the same place twice.”

“You suck,” Irina says. She shoves her bag in Tadaomi’s direction and he begrudgingly takes it. Why he continues to humor her is a mystery to everyone, especially himself. They catch up with Gakuhou on the way to Science class, who’s currently wrestling with what seem to be three different books on aerospace engineering.

“Dad got you revising again?” Irina says, wincing. 

“Why would he ask you to study aerospace engineering?” Tadaomi says, the same time Gakuhou says, “he was reading this book and he said I wouldn’t understand it so I’m going to prove him wrong.”

“And how are you going to do that?” Koro says. He plucks the book out of Gakuhou’s hands and flips open to a random page, and squints at it for a moment. “Do you understand that book?”

“No,” Gakuhou admits, red coloring his cheeks. “But I will! I’ll just ask Okuda-sensei about it.”

“You’ll ask our chemistry teacher about Aerospace Engineering,” Irina says.

“Science’s science,” Gakuhou rolls his eyes. “It’s the same.”

There’s still five minutes before class begins which means everyone is taking advantage of those five minutes of freedom to frolic in the hallways and sing songs. Gakuhou makes an instant beeline for the teacher’s desk the moment they step into the labs. Some of their classmates are already here, and Irina takes her seat next to Reddo Ai and start up a conversation with him, Koro jumps into the seat next to Aguri Yukimura and beams at her, which leaves Tadaomi to slide into the chair next to Akira Takaoka. 

“What’s nerd-boy talking about?” Akira says.

Tadaomi scowls at him. “Aerospace engineering,” he says.

Akira snorts. “He doesn’t need to be even more of a weirdo,” he says, and Tadaomi doesn’t deign to answer. Everyone knows his bravado is just for show, anyways, and he’ll never say anything to Gakuhou’s face. All the book-lifting must have given him some muscle because Gakuhou has a mean left hook.

Gakuhou scurries to his workbench next to Kotarou Yanagisawa just as the bell rings to signal the start of class. Unlike Shiota-sensei’s Math lessons, nothing ever goes right in Okuda-sensei’s lab sessions. Usually they get away with a broken test tube or two but today Koro and Aguri - because who is it but them, Koro loves experimenting with the chemicals even though he’s told not to and Aguri is too scientifically inquisitive to stop him - start a fire. It’s not a terribly big fire by any means, but it sets the sprinklers off and makes Okuda-sensei shriek. It’s a wonder how Koro and Aguri are still allowed to remain lab partners, it’s their third school-wide evacuation of the year caused by the two of them. 

“You two have to stop that!” Gakuhou says, desperately stuffing his books under his shirt in a feeble attempt to keep them dry. It doesn’t work.

“Theoretically, nothing should have happened,” Koro insists. 

Out in the hallway, the other students and staff have some what of a resigned look to them as they trudge out to the courtyard for assembly. Okuda-sensei had spread the word that the fire is contained, but the alarm sound means that the fire department have to do a customary sweep of the building anyways before activity can resume.

“Well,” Akabane-sensei greets the class as they enter with an amused smile. “I’d like to commend everyone on their swift and orderly exit. In the event of a genuinely life-threatening fire, I’d be happy to announce that most of us should emerge unscathed.”

“Most of us?” Tadaomi says to himself, wrinkling his nose. 

“Aww,” Gakuhou says, pulling out the books. They’re water stained and the pages are crumpling up oddly, and he lifts the book towards the sun. It’s a funny sight. In true solidarity Koro takes another book and balances it on the crown of his head. Irina does too, just to demonstrate her impeccable posture and balance as she struts around.

“Koro, Aguri,” a voice calls, and Koro jumps. The book falls but Gakuhou catches it before it lands in the grass.

“Hi Principal,” Aguri says, and Koro straightens up with a choppy salute. Principal Asano stares at both of them with his arms crossed.

“I’m very disappointed in both of you,” he says, “you two know better than that.”

“So we have a date in your office later today?” Koro says, a wide grin on his face. Aguri smacks him.

“3pm,” Principal Asano says. Then he turns to Gakuhou, appraises him with a raised eyebrow, and then throws a towel over his head.

Gakuhou splutters like a wet cat as Principal Asano wrangles the towel over and around him. The books go flying and Irina catches them both. She still has the first book perched on her head. “Dad!” Gakuhou yelps, and when he emerges from the scuffle his cheeks are sufficiently pink and his hair is ruffled dry. The towel is still half wrapped around his neck.

“I don’t want you to catch a cold,” Principal Asano says fondly. “Let me worry about you. Are those my books?”

Gakuhou crosses his arms. “Maybe.”

“Hm,” the Principal says, and wanders off. Gakuhou adjusts the towel with a pout but he looks slightly more pacified than he did a minute prior. 

Moments later Yukimura-sensei comes running by, and she scoops Aguri up. Aguri shrieks and flails for a while but, much like Gakuhou, accepts being smothered by their respective family members.

“Another fire! Aguri Yukimura!” Yukimura-sensei chastises, and Aguri hangs her head appropriately. “Stop encouraging that boy - where is he! Koro!”

“Right here, ma’am,” Koro says, “I-”

“Pay attention in Okuda’s class, will you! Both of you!” Yukimura-sensei huffs. “You two are going to be the death of me-”

“Sis, put me down,” Aguri interrupts. Her legs are kicking in the air.

Yukimura-sensei huffs again and sets Aguri back on her feet before going off to talk to Shiota-sensei, no doubt about asking him to keep more of an eye out for Koro, as she does every time Koro and Aguri hang out together. 

“You’re so much trouble, Koro,” Gakuhou sniffs. “Being friends with you is so hard.”

Koro looks at him and frowns. “You don’t mean that, do you?”

“Of course he doesn’t!” Irina cuffs Gakuhou on the ear. “We love you! Even if you make us run from the sprinklers every month.”

“Well it’s my dad’s school, after all,” Gakuhou says. “You can stand to do less property damage.” With that turns his head up and he walks off.

Koro scuffs his shoes against the pavement. “Am I trouble, you guys?”

“Yeah you are!” Takaoka hollers, before Tadaomi can say anything. He stomps over, swiping his hair out of his face, and slaps a wet palm dead center of Koro’s chest. “You need to stop doing such stupid shit- oomph!” 

Gakuhou has reappeared and has clamped a hand on the back of Takaoka’s neck. Takaoka is screaming bloody murder as he's being dragged off, but if any of the teachers hear it, they’re taking a really long time to respond. 

“Maybe you should stop hiding before class starts,” Tadaomi says. “It eats into lesson time, you know.”

Koro deflates. “I just can’t sit still all the time, you know?”

“Maybe you should buy adderall,” Aguri says.

The feedback of the sound system whines a little, then Principal Asano’s voice crackles over the intercom. “You may proceed back into the building, lessons will resume next period. Mind the floors, they’re wet and slippery.”

There’s a bit of grumbling as everyone slowly slink their way back into the building, although some students remain hanging around outside. Irina gets bored of balancing the books and are currently juggling them. “What’s next period?” 

“English with Nakamura-sensei,” Tadaomi says. He has their schedule memorized. It’s been three months and Irina never knows, that or she’s pretending not to. “Then lunch.”

“Ooh, lunch. Do you think Gakuhou can sneak us some fancy teacher’s lounge food?”

“The food’s not fancy,” Gakuhou says. Where did he come from? He’s always popping up in places unexpectedly, Koro has a theory that there are secret passageways all around Kunugigaoka that only the Principal - and by extension, Gakuhou - knows. “There’s a lot of instant food, and a microwave.”

“Ew,” Koro says. “Isn’t your dad rich or something? Why doesn’t he just buy better food?”

“The budget goes into the water damage that keeps happening,” Gakuhou says. He takes the books from Irina. 

“Teachers are severely underpaid,” Aguri says, pauses. “Well, not that your dad underpays my sister! I’m saying in general, across the world. I’m going to be a teacher too, you know, and I’ll be working somewhere with high pay. Like here.”

“But then you’ll be working in the same school as your sister,” Gakuhou wrinkles his nose. “Isn’t that weird?”

“Aren’t you going to become your dad’s secretary?” Aguri says.

“That was a joke!” Gakuhou says. “There’s no way I’m working under him!” 

The two start up a squabble. Tadaomi rolls his eyes at them. Koro’s bounding ahead, he’s found Shiota-sensei on the way back to class and is currently chatting his ear off. Irina slides up next to him and pokes him with a pen.

“Where did you get that?” Tadaomi says. “We aren’t supposed to bring things along during an evacuation.”

“Like you didn’t grab your laptop and Gakuhou didn’t bring three whole aero-engineering books,” Irina says.

Tadaomi shrugs. Fair. They make it back to the lab to retrieve their things - by now, they’ve gotten used to putting their belongings in waterproof bags - and disseminate to their next classes. Irina doesn’t take English with them - it’d be a walk in the park for her anyways - so she has a free period.

“See you losers at lunch,” she says, “ _ don’t forget your vocabulary! _ ”

Koro scrunches up his face. Tadaomi cocks his head. “ _ I won’t _ ,” Gakuhou says, “ _ They already have, _ ”

“Stop insulting us in a language we can’t understand,” Koro says.

“You knew very well what that meant,” Tadaomi says. “That’s basic english.”

“You can’t prove anything,” Koro says. He grabs Tadaomi’s bag, grins, and runs off. Tadaomi doesn’t know why he hangs out with any of these people, but he supposes they’re friends somehow, so he picks up the rest of his stuff and gives chase. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kjhg honestly don't ask me why I wrote more of this. I've been thinking of it for a while. I wrote this like shortly after I published the first chapter and i just... didn't post it, until now because I have a lot on my plate and I decided that it was time this tiny chapter saw the light. 
> 
> Hey guys! Hope everyone is doing well and practicing adequate social distancing! 
> 
> Ideas for quarantine:  
> 1\. write :)   
> 2\. do that school assignment that's supposed to be due next month  
> 3\. make tea   
> 4\. learn that song/dance you've always wanted too

"I heard he's a secret assassin."

"A what?" Tadaomi watches Koro with a mild confusion and awe, as the boy methodologically empties his entire backpack onto his seat by flipping it over and letting the contents spill out of his chair onto the classroom floor, before righting the bag and putting his things back one by one. 

"An assassin," Koro says in a dramatic whisper. He picks up his pencil case from the floor, wrinkles his nose at it, puts it in his bag and then takes it out again. Koro leans over his table. "I heard he killed a man."

In front of the classroom, Shiota-sensei is peacefully grading papers. They're supposed to be having a study hall now but Shiota-sensei encourages active learning and group discussions, so the room is lively with activity. Koro's ridiculous comment of the day goes unheard by Shiota-sensei himself, but next to Tadaomi he can see Gakuhou squinting at his work and paying half an ear of attention to them, probably re-evaluating his choice in his middle school friendship cliques.

"Where did you hear that from?" Tadaomi asks.

"Around," Koro waves a hand dismissively. "Pssst, Gakuhou, Gakuhou, pssst, Gaku-"

"What?!" Gakuhou growls. 

Koro is, obliviously cheerful as ever, unfazed. "Do you think Shiota-sensei is a secret assassin?"

"You are simultaneously one of the smartest and stupidest people I've ever met," Gakuhou says sincerely.

"But is he-"

"I don't fucking know, go do an experiment or something, you like experiments, right? Scientific method!" With wisdom imparted, Gakuhou goes back to his work with a visible frustration. Tadaomi peeks at his worksheet. It's not in a language he understands and judging by the look on Gakuhou's face, neither does he.

"Your dad again?" Tadaomi says sympathetically. Being the son of the principal must be hard, he imagines. Not that he thinks the principal is a terrible father, but he has so much on his shoulders and so many achievements under his belt - and impressively so for someone who decided to run a school. Gakuhou must have pressure to live up to his standards. 

"He said I couldn't read it," Gakuhou says determinedly, "so I am going to." That seemed to summarize most of the things Gakuhou ended up doing outside of school. The boy was fueled by spite, and spite oftentimes manifested in increasingly ridiculous and academically-inclined baits his father would apparently lay out for him. 

"What language is it?" Tadaomi asks.

Gakuhou blinks at him once, twice, then turns around and thrusts his paper in Irina's direction. 

Irina, who's chatting with Atsushi - who tells everybody to call him "Smog", which is a weird nickname but everyone in this classroom is slightly off their rocker as far as Tadaomi is concerned, turns around at the interruption and frowns. "Why are you reading an article on the Treaty of Versailles?"

Gakuhou's eyes widen. He immediately grabs her arm and absconds to a corner of the classroom, and Atsuhi looks briefly confused but shrugs and turns back to his work. Tadaomi turns back to Koro, who is now passionately scribbling on a piece of paper, legs swinging under his chair.

"Ways to prove Shiota-sensei is an assassin," Tadaomi reads. "One. Send another assassin after him. If he kills the other assassin, then he's an assassin. If the assassin kills him, he's either a normal civilian or a very bad assassin. Koro, that's awful. That's like the Salem witch trials." 

"I don't see you coming up with better ideas," Koro sniffs.

"Hm," Tadaomi says. He turns back to his work, and Koro's scribbling continues. He makes more annotations in his notes and starts an essay paragraph when the bell rings to signal a period change, and students around start packing up. Irina makes it back, visibly irritated. 

"Use google translate or something," shes saying.

"Then I lose!" Gakuhou whines. Well Gakuhou doesn't whine, but if he did, this would come very close to Gakuhou whining.

"Lose what?!" Irina says. They start squabbling again about pride and dignity or lack thereof. Tadaomi rolls his eyes.

"It's Portuguese," Irina tells Tadaomi much later, after Gakuhou had stormed off to talk to his "connections", which was what Gakuhou called his acquaintances with a usefulness and dedicated a schedule to make sure they stayed in amicable terms with him. "It's smart business," Gakuhou had sniffed when Tadaomi asked him why, "Dad networks tons." Why Gakuhou thought 13 year olds needed entrepreneurial connections was beyond him.

Tadaomi doesn't ask why Irina knows Portuguese or why the Principal knows Portuguese. Irina has a patchwork of knowledge that defied all logic, and the Principal just seemed to know everything.

Koro is dragging Aguri behind him when he joins them out in the hallway. "I bet the principal is also an assassin," Koro says. 

"Why?" Irina asks. 

"He knows many languages," Koro says. "Anyone who knows that many languages means need to carry many disguises and travel to many places, like an assassin."

At that, Irina raises an eyebrow and points to herself.

"You don't count," Koro says, waving a hand. "You're 13."

"Who said 13 year olds can't be assassins?" Irina says, looking way too miffed than warranted for such a ridiculous topic of discussion. "Maybe I am an assassin. I'd be a great assassin, I have the poise and grace for it."

"You can't fight," Koro says. "You can't hurt or kill anyone."

"I could use a weapon!" Irina says. "A gun!-"

Tadaomi exchanges an exasperated look with Aguri. "This spells trouble."

"Most likely," Aguri agrees. 

"I'll be a better assassin than you!" Koro yells.

"Oh my god," Aguri says.

"I take that bet!" Irina yells back.

"Gakuhou is going to kill us," Tadaomi says. That was true, if whatever absurd agreement Irina and Koro come to ends in mayhem and any destruction of school property.

"Can we just go back to figuring out if Shiota-sensei or the Principal are an assassins?" Aguri tries.

"Oh we will," Koro says, a terrible glint in his eyes. Irina rubs her hands together. "And then we'll out-assassin them!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I bet," Koro says, "all the teaching staff are assassins. Kunugigaoka is just a cover story for an underground assassin ring going on!"  
> "Akabane-sensei?" Aguri says, eyes wide.  
> "Yeah, no, if anyone was an assassin in this school, it's him," Tadaomi says. He squints at Koro. "How much sleep did you get last night?"  
> "I dunno," Koro shrugs. "Seven minutes?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I'm developing an almost-plot for this, revolving around kids having ridiculous conspiracy theories. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Haha why am I writing this?

"I bet," Koro says, "all the teaching staff are assassins. Kunugigaoka is just a cover story for an underground assassin ring going on!"

Tadaomi squints at him. "How long did you sleep last night?" 

"I dunno, like seven minutes." Koro shrugs. "Not consecutively, but it's fine. You're not even that blurry." 

Tadaomi stares. "I'm telling Shiota-sensei."

"Wait no-"

"I'm bringing Koro to the nurse!" Gakuhou hollers, just as Koro makes a futile grab for Tadaomi's hair and throat in an attempt to shut him up. Gakuhou pulls Tadaomi and Koro apart from the fray at arm's length like they're squabbling rats. Tadaomi struggles a bit, and Koro flops about like a wet fish.

"No fair!" Koro says, and Tadaomi echoes the sentiment. Just because Gakuhou got his growth spurt earlier and was stupidly tall for a middle schooler.

"Don't manhandle your friends, Asano," Shiota-sensei says.

"They're not my friends," Gakuhou says affronted, looking unnecessarily offended by the sheer insinuation of a friendship with Tadaomi and Koro. He was what they called a tsundere so Tadaomi didn't take it to heart, and despite his claims that his attention about Koro's wellbeing is dependent on the state of the school, sleep deprived Koro meant less chances of explosions so really, Gakuhou cares. He lets Tadaomi go with a bit of gracelessness and drags Koro kicking and screaming out into the hallway. Shiota-sensei doesn't even look ruffled.

Much later, after Koro's undeserved but needed nap, he meets them a quiet 5 hours later at the cafeteria. "That was a low blow, Gakuhou," Koro says, to Gakuhou who is decidedly unconcerned on the matter, and sips his juice box with too much poise reminiscent of his father.

"I took notes for you!" Aguri chirps, but her notes were less notes and more of frantic scribbling in tangents. 

"Thanks!" Koro says. "What's for lunch today?"

"Fish," Irina says, "and vegetables. A healthy balanced diet."

"You know who needs healthy balanced diets?" Koro says. "Assassins!" The kid really has a one track mind when he gets into a topic. "Because they need to keep in top shape for all the killing people they need to do!"

"I wish you'd drop out," Gakuhou says. 

Takaoka, walking past, smacks his lips obnoxiously. "So do I!" He yells in agreement.

"Stop talking," Gakuhou says quietly. Takaoka makes a break for it.

Koro is unperturbed. "All the staff are assassins! Shiota-sensei is definitely one, he walks too quietly and is great at sneaking up on people which is perfect for assassination!"

"Okuda-sensei is too nice to be an assassin," Irina says.

"That's what she wants you to think!" Koro slams his hands on the table, but stills when Gakuhou shoots him an irritated look. "You think she's all pure and innocent but that makes her the best, because no one suspects her!"

“Nakamura-sensei,” Irina says, “if we’re going with the many-languages thing! She knows tons!”

“You’re right!” Koro exclaims.

"Akabane-sensei?" Aguri says.

"Yeah, no, if anyone was an assassin in this school, it's him," Tadaomi says.

"He's assassinating dad," Gakuhou blurts out, then blinks twice and glares down at his food. Irima bursts into giggles.

"My sister isn't an assassin," Aguri says.

"Wasn't she a child actress?" Koro says.

"How much research did you put into this?!" Gakuhou abruptly demands.

"How is that relevant?" Aguri says.

"That means she's good at acting!" Koro says. "She can be tons of different people! Like assassin disguises!"

"You're listing a trait that each individual possesses that might be beneficial in assassination," Tadaomi says, "but there's no singular person who's successful at everything."

"They could work as a team," Koro says, but he sounds doubtful.

"You can't have one person be good at sneaking around and a separate person be good at killing," Irina says. "They can't tag team like that."

"A team constitutes background and field work," Tadaomi agrees. "Like a few assassins and hackers and strategists in the back."

"Hmm," Koro says, rubbing his chin. "I suppose that narrows it down."

"Shiota-sensei still might be an assassin," Aguri says. "Remember how he killed that bug by throwing a stapler at it?" 

"Yeah, that was terrifying," Aguri says, eyes wide.

"So he's a sharpshooter," Koro snaps his fingers with a flourish.

"Oh!" Irina says, suddenly excited. "You think he knows how to shoot a gun?!"

"My sister can shoot a gun!" Aguri says. "She used to use guns all the time on set!" She makes a mock gun with her fingers, spins around to Gakuhou, and pretends to pull the trigger. "Pow!" 

Gakuhou, true in dramatism, tips over in his seat. Then just as quickly he shoots back up, smooths his hair back in place, and continues eating with the most deadpan look on his face.

"Ooh, I want to learn how to shoot a gun,” Irina says excitedly. “Can Aguri teach me how?”

“Me too!” Koro says, raising a hand.

“My dad has a club membership,” Gakuhou offers. “They have a shooting range there.”

“Can he shoot a gun?” Koro bounces in his seat. “Hit a bullseye?”

“Probably,” Gakuhou says, tilting his head up. “I bet he can do it.”

“Wow,” Koro says, awed. Tadaomi is inclined to agree. 

“Can we go on the weekend? Can we, Gakuhou?” Irina says, tugging at his arm. “Please ask your dad?”

“If he’s busy I can ask my sister to bring us!” Aguri says. 

“Yeah, whatever,” Gakuhou says, but his quick agreement means he’s as excited for prospect of the trip as Koro, Irina and Aguri are. Tadaomi is too, it seems like it would be fun, and away from Kunugigaoka so no school property is at risk.

Tadaomi’s parents still think it’s a little weird that he’d become friends with the son of the principal of his middle school, but that made for a reliable parent background check and he gets permission easily, with the principal as his chaperone. They drop him off in front of Gakuhou’s house, with is a sprawling two-storey with a rather nice looking backyard, and Tadaomi can see Koro already running circles around it.

“Irina’s inside,” Gakuhou greets him from where he’s watching Koro wear a path down in his lawn. “We’re just waiting for Aguri and then we can go.”

Irina is flipping through one of the dozen books on the living room, and she barely lifts a head up at Tadaomi’s entrance. Tadaomi stares at them, but he can’t read any of the title names. Gakuhou’s dad is talking on the phone, so Tadaomi doesn’t verbally greet him but bows a little. He gets a pat on the head for his efforts and goes to join Irina on the floor.  “Where do you learn so many languages?”

“My brother teaches me,” Irina says, her feet kicking in the air. She’s staring at squiggly lines. “He’s going to be a translator when he’s older.”

“Are _you_ going to be a translator when you’re older?” Tadaomi asks.

“I was,” Irina says, tapping her chin, “but now I’m going to be an  _ assassin _ .” Her voice drops to a whisper at the last word, and they surreptitiously glance over at Gakuhou’s dad, who’s still talking on the phone. 

The door opens. “Dad! Aguri’s here!” Gakuhou hollers, and runs back outside. There’s a thud, a screech, and then more yelling. Irina and Tadaomi quickly stack the books and shove them to a corner, before rushing out to see Koro and Gakuhou on separate branches high up on a tree, Agari trying to climb it, and her sister yelling at all three of them.

“What is going on?” It’s Gakuhou’s dad, who looks like he has wrapped the call up.

“I don’t know!” Aguri’s sister says.

Gakuhou’s dad walks over. He’s really tall, taller than Gakuhou by a lot, and Tadaomi wonders in dismay how tall Gakuhou might grow up to be and how he would abuse his height. Tadaomi hopes he grows tall too - taller than Irina, at the very least, because she’s also kind of tall for a girl.  Gakuhou’s dad plucks the three of them off the tree and sets them down. 

“Is Yukimura-sensei coming too?” Koro says. 

“Yes,” Gakuhou’s dad says. “There’s no way I’m handling all five of you alone.”

“You’re a school principal!” Gakuhou mocks.

“Yeah? You want me to impose school rules outside of school, is that it? Demerit points if you don’t wash the dishes?”

“No!” Gakuhou protests, and he splutters and flails as his dad manhandles him into the car, the same way Gakuhou would handle Koro. Tadaomi and Irina exchange looks and snicker. 

“You can ride with us,” Aguri says, grabbing Koro’s hand and pulling him towards her sister’s car. 

“You’ve never brought up an interest in shooting before,” Gakuhou’s dad says mildly, as they’re on the way to a country club, which Gakuhou lets them know Aguri’s sister also possesses a membership for. Rich people perks. 

“We’d just thought it’d be fun,” Irina pipes up. “I saw it on TV! I want to be like Black Widow!” Smart choice sidestepping the topic about real assassins with fictional assassins - Tadaomi's not trying to be sarcastic! The best lies were not lies anyways, and he's sure he would have said something like military training, which made less sense. If Koro was here, he'd probably have blurted out all the conspiracy theories by now.

“You’re too blonde to be Black Widow,” Gakuhou says, just to piss her off.

“Yeah? Well you’re blonde too!” Irina huffs, distraught.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to be Black Widow,” Gakuhou points out.

“I’m sure Irina can be Black Widow if she wants to,” Tadaomi says. “I think Black Widow can be a blonde.”

“There’s a blonde Black Widow,” Gakuhou’s dad says. “The redhead we see on the Avengers is Natasha Romanova. There’s also a blonde character who also holds the name Black Widow, called Yelena Belova.”

“I wanna be her,” Irina declares. Then she rattles off a random string of words in a language Tadaomi doesn’t understand, and Gakuhou’s dad replies to her.

“Is that russian?!” Gakuhou says. He whirls around as much as the seat belt would let him “How the f-”

“Gakuhou.”

“-rick frack do you know russian?!”

“Because I’m Black Widow,” Irina says. She sticks out her tongue. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ri-ri's ready to go full Black Widow, blonde or no. Let's pretend there are no age limits for shooting ranges, and the kids get fake rubbery bullets.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need a new title for this fic.
> 
> I'd figured I'll clarify some stuff brought up in the comments:  
> 1\. the kids do go to Kunugigaoka Middle (run by Gakushuu instead of Gakuhou). There's no class ranking system here, because this Asano Senior isn't psycho. I don't even know how many classes there are, I don't know a thing about this AU.  
> 2\. The canon 3-E kids (plus Asano) are the teachers here. Some of them will be teaching the older middle school kids or in the affiliate high school because I can't think of that many subjects. There are a lack of adults from canon that I can age-swap so we'll probably be seeing most of these five.   
> 3\. We haven't seen much of them yet, but next chapter we'll see Karma and Rio! Akabane-sensei teaches high school math but he likes crashing Nagisa's class, and Nakamura-sensei teaches English.

Koro and Aguri are halfway through a bag of candy when the group reconvenes. “I can’t believe you’re giving him sugar,” Gakuhou laments, earning amused looks from the adults.

“He’ll need it,” Aguri’s sister says, stretching. “Shooting is a lot of work.”

“Was that a pun?” Gakuhou wonders aloud, no doubt thinking of her past career as an actress. He falls in step with Tadaomi and Irina as Aguri skips ahead and Koro runs circles around her. “My dad likes puns too. He’s terrible at them.”

“Hey honey,” Gakuhou’s dad says, no doubt having overhead. “What kind of guns do bees use?”

“Oh dear god,” Gakuhou says.

“BB guns!” Gakuhou’s dad says. He starts cackling, and it’s so bad even Aguri’s sister whirls around and smacks her boss in the face. 

“Gakushuu Asano!” She says, horrified. “How dare you!”

“Did you hear about the kidnapping at our school?” Gakuhou’s dad crows. “It’s fine, he woke up.”

Aguri’s sister gives him such an unimpressed look that Tadaomi, Irina and even Gakuhou stop in their tracks to appreciate it. “I’m leaving.”

“Wait come back,” Gakuhou’s dad says. “I can’t handle them alone. Akari!” 

“I didn’t know the Principal liked puns,” Irina says. 

“I think he just likes puns because I don’t,” Gakuhou says, and his face instantly blanches because he realizes he’s said the wrong thing. Irina is immediately shooting puns left and right, and after pun three Gakuhou picks up the pace and runs to join Aguri’s sister, who’s steadfastly avoiding Gakuhou’s father a good few paces away as he continues laughing to himself.

Somehow they make it to the shooting gallery without much incident, and Koro only trips once. The preppy gallery supervisor goes through the proceedings of how to use the BB-guns which have been modified to look and feel exactly like real pistols. Gakuhou’s dad and Aguri’s sister do take a crack at the guns, and they’re right - the two of them are scary sharpshooters. 

“How?!” Gakuhou demands, taking a swipe at his dad’s gun, and getting his hair messed up in the process. 

“Well you’re so cute I knew I wouldn’t stand a chance at keeping all your suitors out of the house otherwise, so I practice for it,” Gakuhou’s dad sighs, sounding like his son has handed all the world’s burdens to him on a platter, as Gakuhou’s face burns a bright red. Fortunately for him the adults wander off and they’re left to their own devices.

“Loser buys ice cream,” Irina says, and she and Koro shake on it.

“I’m not going to be able to shoot as well as sis,” Aguri says almost wistfully. “Who do you think will shoot the best?”

“Probably Gakuhou,” Tadaomi says. Gakuhou was good at many things.

“I’d put my bet on Irina,” Aguri says. “She’s better than any of us at balance, so she’s probably better at aiming things, too.”

“Right, of course,” Gakuhou says. He stares at his dad’s previously used gun, as if willing it to reveal its secrets.

They’re wrong on all accounts, because as it turns out, Tadaomi has a secret talent.  By secret talent he means he hits bullseye a grand total of six rounds out of thirty, but it beats Gakuhou and Irina who tied at three each, and Koro and Aguri who tied at two. Tadaomi doesn’t think it’s all that impressive, given that he missed twenty-four times, but his friends beg to differ.

“You didn’t tell me you could shoot!” Gakuhou says, sounding unfairly betrayed for a fact Tadaomi literally just found out.

“I can’t!” Tadaomi defends, as Irina tries to shake him down. “I guess I play shooting arcade games sometimes? I just followed the instructions!”

“What instructions?!” Koro demands.

“Um, point and shoot?” Tadaomi tries, and all four yell at him. 

“Uh, kids,” the gallery supervisor says. “Want to play again?”

Tadoami wipes the floor with them again, and by wiping the floor he means he scores a seven out of thirty, Irina with a four, Gakuhou and Koro with a two, and Aguri with a one.  He finally knows why Irina’s so insistent on knowing so many languages, why Gakuhou’s so insistent on being better than his dad at so many things, why Koro’s so insistent about blowing so many experiments up, why Aguri’s so insistent on growing as many plants as possible. It feels amazing to be on top, and Tadaomi can chase this high forever.

If he runs anymore laps around the gallery he’s going to die, but he’d die anyways once any of them catch up to him after he had called them all losers.  For how much shorter legs Koro has, he’s surprisingly fast. It must be all the running he does on a daily-

-Ow! Tadaomi takes a tumble just as Koro tackles him. He drops into a roll like what his dad taught him and Koro flips over onto his back, and he says, “you suck.”

“Duly noted.” Tadaomi says. He’d heard Akabane-sensei say it once but he thinks he doesn’t pull it off as well. They head over to a tree and lie on the grass under its shade for a bit until Gakuhou appears, red-faced, but he’s panting too much to say anything coherent. Then he flops down on the grass next to them.

A whole minute must pass until Aguri and Irina appear, dragging their feet. “I’m never running again!” Irina shouts. “My feet hurt!” Aguri nods, echoing the sentiment, and she immediately sits and splays on the grass.

“Assassins can run,” Koro says, lifting a finger. “So I’m better than you!” 

“Ugh,” Irina groans. She joins them, grumbling a little about leaves in her hair. 

"I bet Chiba-sensei is also a sharpshooter," Koro says.

"Can Chiba-sensei see?" Tadaomi says.

"I hope so," Gakuhou says. "There are too many stairs in school."

"Hair isn't opaque," Irina says. "We can see through hair in front of our eyes even though you can't look past it. It's like a one way mirror."

"Why do you think Chiba-sensei is a sharpshooter?" Aguri says.

"He can see really far," Koro says. "One time I threw a ball over a railing by accident and when I looked over I couldn’t see it, but Chiba-sensei was there and he told me it landed on a bush by the fountain in the courtyard, and when I went down to get it he was right!”

“Maybe it’s because you’re short,” Gakuhou says. “It might have been in your blind spot.”

“We should test all of them!” Aguri says. “See how good they are at sharpshooting! Then we can narrow down who are the possible assassins and who aren’t!”

“So what, do we throw things off railings and see who can spot them?” Tadaomi asks, wrinkling his nose.

“You better not!” Gakuhou says.

“Maybe we should get them to all come to the shooting gallery!” Irina says. “Then we’ll get to see their skills in action!”

“That’s kinda weird, isn’t it,” Tadaomi says. “They’re our teachers.”

“Set up a shooting club in our school?” Aguri says. “Other schools have like, archery, right? We can have a shooting club instead!”

“Archery’s for the older kids,” Gakuhou says. “There’s archery in Kunugigaoka High.”

“That’s because archery’s dangerous,” Tadaomi says. “We can use BB guns.”

“I’ll ask dad,” Gakuhou says. He hops to his feet. “Let’s find them.”

They wander around the country club until they find the adults at a cafe.  “You should stop drinking coffee,” Gakuhou says in greeting. “You have such dark eyebags. You need more sleep, not less.”

“Hello to you too,” his dad says. “Did you kids have fun?”

“Yeah!” Aguri says. “Did you know Tadaomi is a sharpshooter?” 

“Is he?” Aguri’s sister says, turning to him. “How much did you get?”

“Seven was my highest score,” Tadaomi says, grinning. 

“I only hit two!” Aguri says.

“My high score was four,” Irina proclaims. “So I’m better than Koro.” Koro, in response, sticks his tongue out at her.

“Well you’ll get better with practice,” Gakuhou’s dad says, but then he adds “it looks like you all have promising careers as assassins,” and the five of them freeze. They share wide-eyed glances at each other - did they give themselves away?!

Gakuhou is the first one to recover. “What makes you say that?” 

“Someone was saying they wanted to be blonde Black Widow,” Gakuhou’s dad says, and Tadaomi sags in relief, as does Gakuhou and Irina. Koro and Aguri look mildly confused.

“Yeah, I’m going to be Black Widow,” Irina says. She stares meaningfully at Koro and Aguri, Aguri steps on Koro’s foot, and Koro says, “I want to be an assassin too! Are there guy black widows?”

“I don’t think so, but there are plenty of other characters,” Gakuhou’s dad says.

“Assassination isn’t just about sharpshooting, you know,” Aguri’s sister says. “There’s so much more to it, it’s a hard job.”

The five of them startle again. Why did she sound like she was speaking from experience? Did she know what being an assassin was like? Was it because she was one?!

“Oh yeah, you played… what was she called?” Gakuhou’s father turns to her. “White Phantom?”

“White Reaper,” Aguri’s sister corrects and oh, they’re just talking about her old film roles. Everyone relaxes again.

“We should do a movie night,” Gakuhou’s dad says. “Watch your old stuff at the office.”

“God, no,” Aguri’s sister groans. “That’s cringe inducing. You’ll just point out all the inaccuracies in the cinematography like oh, blood doesn’t splash that way when you shoot someone, you nerd.”

They stiffen again. The look on Gakuhou’s face reads why would his father have any knowledge in commenting on the accuracy of shooting someone? Normally Tadaomi would dismiss it as a case of the-principal-knows-everything, but the coincidences were lining up too much.

“Why are you kids standing around?” Gakuhou’s dad says to them. “Go buy something from the cafe, they have a students’ discount.” They jolt back and Tadaomi pats his pockets, feeling his wallet there. Aguri gets handed a note by her sister.

“Did you get a seniors’ discount?” Gakuhou snarks.

“Just because you’re my flesh and blood, doesn’t mean I won’t sell you.”

Tadaomi gets pulled off to the cafe counter, and he admits the snacks look appetizing. He gets a brownie and Aguri gets a cake, and they stand aside while the other three squabble over the best pastries. Why they needed to debate over something like that was beyond Tadaomi given that they could all get their own preferred snacks, but Gakuhou likes debating in general, Koro’s too passionate about sweets to back down, and Irina just likes feeling included.  Tadaomi and Aguri exchange awkward looks and by the second minute it seems the discussion will only get more heated from there, so they go back to the table.

“-from America,” Aguri’s sister is saying. 

“Pro-tip,” Gakuhou’s father tells her. “Just don’t bring infants on flights.”

“Are you talking about Gakuhou?” Aguri says, climbing onto her sister's lap. “Did he use to cry a lot?”

“Used to?” Gakuhou’s dad rolls his eyes. “He still never shuts up!” Tadaomi snickers a little, because that’s right.

“I’ll tell Gakuhou you laughed at embarrassing stories about his past!” Aguri says, and Tadaomi gives her a dismayed look. 

“You laughed too,” he defends.

“You used to cry a lot as well,” Aguri’s sister says, and Aguri gapes at her.  “You’re supposed to be on my side!”

“Why was Gakuhou on a plane?” Tadaomi asks. “Did you two go on vacation?”

“We were coming back to Japan,” Gakuhou’s dad tells him.

“Are guns really legal in America?” Aguri asks. “Can you like, buy one from the store like on TV? Is that where you learnt to shoot really good?”

“They were legal for purchase, but I didn’t own a gun. I learnt to shoot from galleries like ones here.”

“How about you, sis?” Aguri asks.

“I had to use prop weapons on set,” she says, “but of course to be realistic, I had to at least aim semi-accurately. It was interesting so I took on the hobby outside of that as well.”

Tadaomi knows Gakuhou said he would ask, but since they were on the subject… “What do you think about a shooting club in school?” He says. “Not with real guns, but fake ones. For fun.”

“That is an interesting idea,” Gakuhou’s father says. 

“Yeah, please?” Aguri says, bouncing in her seat. “We need to practice!”

“Practice for what?” Her sister asks, and Aguri falters. 

“Uhhh… I want to be Black Widow too?” She tries, and Tadaomi gives her a reassuring pat on the back. Not all of them could be as flawless of a liar as Irina was.

“Honestly, Gakushuu, what are you teaching them?” Her sister turns to Gakuhou’s dad. “Why are the kids so interested in Black Widow all of a sudden?”

“Don’t ask me,” Gakuhou’s dad raises his hands. He turns around in his seat. “What is taking them so long?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kjhgkl I feel like you can tell I'm so lazy with this whole fic in general, there's just a ton of dialogue and it reads rather juvenile, but in my own defense it's from 13 year old Tadaomi's perspective. None of the kids are evil! (I bring this up because of Takaoka and reaper 2.0, both of which I plan to include more of.) Although they're very ambitious, can be mean and they want to be assassins, I doubt they fully understand what that entails. I want to write more but I've been so oddly emotionally lethargic for the past few weeks, I have tons of incomplete projects and stuff. This AU will probably keep that slow, light pace because this is my emotional support fic.

**Author's Note:**

> I still don't know what to say


End file.
